I am beginning to feel worn thin. Like Bilbo Baggins felt: like butter scraped over too much bread. I have so much on my mind, Lord. My brain is full. I attempted to chart out the different events and tasks that have been circulating in my mind. It was the most complex pie chart I have ever seen.
I feel as though every task in the world has been thrown onto my shoulders, and I need more than 24-hour-long days to accomplish them.
Over the next few weeks, I have so much planned, but even more uncertainty. I don't know how things will play out, even though I am risking much and giving my all to organize and figure life out. What will succeed and what till fail, I can only guess. My rapidly approaching future is worrying me, and I feel as if the only option left is to lie awake at night, tossing and turning. What more can I give? Will it even be worth it?
The funny thing is... You're already there. The future, I mean. You, the God of Israel, go ahead of me. You, the God of Israel, protect me from behind. You already see around all these corners in my life, and You have orchestrated how everything will work out for good. Does my worrying make time slow down? Does my stress help you fix everything faster? No. You are in control. It's good. I keep forgetting that truth, and thinking that I am in control, which explains why I am so stressed.
I keep relying on my little 16-year-old mind and body to plan what is meant to be in the hands of an eternity-old God. Why is it so hard to surrender these things to You?
I understand, now, Matthew 6:31 - "So don't worry about these things, saying, 'What will we eat? What will we drink? What will we wear?' These things dominate the thoughts of unbelievers but your heavenly Father already knows all your needs."
I call myself a believer, but I worry. Constantly. "Believe" and "worry" are pretty much antonyms. "Trust" and "Stress" are apposites. I'm living a dual citizenship: I'm professing to be a servant to God and a citizen of heaven, but I'm handling life like a lost individual; a citizen of the unbelieving world.
God, I want to trust you. You've said that if we seek You first, You will provide all that we need. Looking back at that pie chart of my mind... not a single section of it was labeled with Your name.
I need to refocus. Lord, please help me turn that pie chart into a single section- one that represents a mind that is 100% focused on You and Your will. I don't want you to be my last resort or my Plan Z. I know You care about me, even all my meaningless busyness. You still love me enough to stick by me in all my frantic bustling. Thank You for your peace.
You have promised that if we seek Your will first, above all our other meaningless priorities, then You will straighten our paths. You have said that if we rely on our own understandings, all our works and deeds will result in disaster and nothingness. You work out everything for the good of those who love You. Help me to love YOU more than my responsibilities, friends, family, hobbies, and every other good thing that can turn into a distraction. You, and You alone, are the One who can help me reorganize all these gifts into exactly that: gifts. They are gifts from You. And who is more important- the gift, or the Giver?
I am a citizen of heaven. Help me to have the faith and trust that decorates Your ambassadors. Those are the people who do not worry about what they will eat or how they will raise the money to get from here to there. These are Your warriors who know that You listen to their prayers, and that if they are where You want them to be- You will make a way. You will show them a miracle.
Thoughts of worry and unrest are what fill the hearts and minds of UN-believers. But those are the things that are filling my mind, the mind that proclaims to be a believer in You. I'll need help, but God, I don't want to be a dual-citizen any longer.
John 14:27 - "Peace I leave with you, My peace I give to you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid."