Subconsciously Alive

I remember last year at the Junior High Track and Field Divisionals at Linden, I was signed up for long jump, triple jump, hurdles, 400m sprint, and 100m relay. My very first event of the day was my hurdles. Basically . . . it was my most intimidating event. Oh, I have tripped and I have fallen on those hurdles many a time- but it is no less scary. Jumping right next to complete strangers in competition, a full-speed race with numerous leaps over seemingly mile-high barricades . . . let’s just say I would have been happy to call in sick. Nonetheless, the integrity I was able to scrounge up prevented me from abandoning what I had been working for.

            The gun fired, and my legs began to carry me. Sports put me in a trance, as I’m sure many people would agree with. It is as if my legs just follow the rhythm, carrying me where I need to go, but my mind is detached. Come the finish line, and I cannot remember what transpired between the start and end- it is as if I time-traveled to the end of the race, with a couple foggy memories in between.

            It was a race just like that. I was bounding over the hurdles, all sound around me was muted, my surroundings were blurred. My eyes wouldn’t blink, they could only stare at the oncoming obstacles. Somewhere in the middle of the race, the girl running beside me tripped on a hurdle. At least, I am assuming that she tripped, because all of a sudden she was sprawled across my lane- directly in my path. As I mentioned before, my mind was not functioning properly- it was in the zone. In fact, I hardly even realized what had happened. My body simply made the adjustment: I paused abruptly, stepped around her, and continued. Of course, there was no hope- the delay had cost me, and the two other girls were now far ahead. I still ran, and I still finished, and by the end, when I looked back to see a supervisor helping a bloody, crying girl off the track, I remembered.

            I had been wondering where the comforting cheers of my teammates had been- at the end of the race they are usually the loudest of the bunch. No, they had been watching in concern for the girl that had fallen. 

Instantly, once I had realized what had happened, I just wanted to rewind time. It was maybe one of the most frustrating and depressing moments I can remember, and it came on so suddenly. I wished so hard that I literally ached inside, I was wishing that I could rewind the race, and help that girl to her feet. What was wrong with me? I call myself a Christian- but that’s how I treat people in need?!

It’s been more than half a year since that happened, and I am probably the only one who remembers it. It still sometimes keeps me up at nights, and I get into a cold sweat. I start to think what could have happened. If I had just abandoned my competitive spirit and given up my chance at winning- I could have been a testimony for Christ. I could have shown all the non-Christian schools there what it means to be a Christian, but no. I didn’t. I hardly acknowledged her. I stepped around her, and finished the race.

It even brought me to tears once. I pray so often for a chance to testify for Christ. I pray a lot that, even in a Christian school, there will be a chance to stand out; to go against the flow . . . to pick up my cross. Well, there was my chance. It literally fell at my feet. 

Thinking harder about that, I notice something else. Yes, it may have been my choice to ignore the girl and keep running . . . but it was almost a subconscious decision. When I’m in the midst of a physically strenuous activity, (especially a competitive one,) things blur. I am in a dream-like state, barely noticing any feeling, any sensation at all. It terrifies me to think that my sinful nature shone through. It proved to me that, on the inside, I still haven’t let myself go completely. When faced with a decision that requires immediate response- I instinctively denied Christ. My mind wasn’t thinking, “No, Jesus, I am not going to obey you.” I don’t know what my mind was thinking at all. All I know is my automatic response was to deny my Christian life. 

I still fret quite often about this, wondering who, in the crowd, who was not a Christian, saw what I did. I almost hope that they did not think I was a Christian- because what is the point of being known as a Christian if you do not give a pleasing and accurate representation of Christ? I want my obedience to God to be so instantaneous, so . . . second-nature, that there is no need for long thought. Often, when faced with a really difficult decision, it takes a long time to figure out what to do. I want to get to a point where I am so lost in Christ, so engulfed by his will and purpose, that I just know. I just know what Jesus would do, and the second part of that equation is my response time. Do I know what Jesus would do, but still hem and haw over it? My desire is that Jesus’ decision would be my first decision. I wouldn’t want to live my life any other way than how He wants me to live it.

Watching Expelled for the third time recently, I thought about that event. I thought about why it should bother me. Why, seven months later, am I still freaking out about it? It’s really such a small, insignificant little thing- anybody could have done it. What’s the point of worrying? Technically- it was her fault. I had no obligation to help her up, she fell into my lane, therefore, she was disqualified. If I had requested, I would have been able to race again, seeing as her fall would be labeled as an interference, preventing me from doing my best. It’s her fault, not mine! See, this is man’s very first response. Even the most pronounced atheist and evolutionist, when blamed for something small, will often resort to ‘It’s not my fault!’ 

The question I am turning over in my head is . . . why is it anybody’s fault? If there is supposedly no good or bad- there really was no fault at all.

I was talking to some atheists one time, (only later did I find out that they had been high on drugs for the whole conversation,) and I tried to explain my thoughts to them. They were trying to convince me of evolution. Their arguments were not sound. At all. As is the way of many beliefs that are based off rebellion and emotions. On that respect, what are emotions? Are they a figment of our imagination? And in regards to imagination- what is it?

Someday I want to challenge a prestigious evolutionist and confront him/her with that question. Where did morals come from? Is it actually possible to explain imagination with The Big Bang? How can nothing but matter and energy create the human mind? Why do we feel? Why do we think? Why do we make judgment calls? If evolution were true, we should all be trying to kill each other. Life should be the non-stop Hunger Games, but not for entertainment’s sake. Why bother making all these entertainment devices? Isn’t entertainment just made up? Aren’t feelings just illusions? Because if there is no God, then survival of the fittest should be applicable to every species, including humans. That is obviously not the case because, when that principle was attempted to be implemented, (WWII,) it failed. It did not succeed, as evolution says it ought to. Why is there such a distinction between humans, and every other life form? Lions, bears, birds, fish, they all live for themselves, and only themselves. They all speak one language. They do not have minds that conjure up religions. They do not have imaginations to create artwork. They survive. Nothing more. 

This is why it is so silly to me for people to neglect the Bible. It really is the only thing that makes sense. It declares that humans are God’s special possessions. Humans are set apart from the wild animals, which is obvious. We have invented, and we have created. How can evolution create religion? There can only be one truth and if it is evolution, then where did all these religions and different belief systems come from? Why should anyone care? Why in the world would there be Christians dying for their faith, if humans fall into the evolutionary concept of survival of the fittest? If that were the case, there would be no martyrs, because everyone would believe that simple survival was more important than any 'belief.'

If I had a handicapped child of my own, I would definitely want to try this. I would want to go to an atheist/evolutionist for a conversation, and bring along my disabled child. Let’s say they’re two years old. Immediately after exchanging formalities, I hand over my child to the person. I proceed to ask, “Will you please dispose of that child?” I am sure they would be caught off guard. “You’re asking me to dispose of your child?” To which I would respond, “Yes, by any means that are most efficient. Shoot it in the head if you must, then we can begin our debate.” 

I am convinced that they would not follow my directions, but perhaps they would ‘catch my drift,’ as it were. They made the judgment call for themselves. They decided for themselves that no, they would not kill a handicapped child. I ask them, “Why would you hesitate to kill her? She will most likely be of minimal benefit to society, your tax dollars are going toward feeding her and those like her- it’s pointless!” Their answers would be most interesting, I do believe. It’s foolproof.

“I won’t do it because it’s wrong.” Oh? It’s wrong, you say? Who told you that? Was it perhaps, a higher moral standard? Or are you lying to yourself, because according to your theory, you should be living out survival of the fittest, and not paying attention to good vs. evil?

“But this is an innocent child, regardless of health.” Innocent? By stating that she is innocent, you are declaring that there must be some form of good/bad in people. Are you admitting that sin is real? Are you admitting that crime is evil? Because according to evolution, crime should not be punished. Crime should not even exist. Crime: murder, stealing, raping . . . it’s survival of the fittest. If you’re weak, you lose. Tough luck. 

By admitting to any of those reasons, there is no way they can, with good conscience, keep their evolutionary argument. They have simply proved themselves wrong, in my opinion. Without God, it’s anarchy. No good, no bad, everyone does what they need to survive and prosper.
Back to my hurdle story. It sounds harsh, but I am, in a sense, glad I didn’t stop. I believe I was wrong, but I believe that I witnessed to myself, because of that. I, without knowing, uncovered yet another heart-issue. That is the issue of my moral standard- right deep inside. It’s the good vs. bad system that I revert to automatically. Without thinking, I revealed to myself that my inner moral standard is in need of some Godly cleaning.

Because, now that we've established that God and the Bible are obviously true, it is up to us to follow. I pray that my unconscious decisions will shape up, in time . . . .

Jeremiah 17:9 ~ The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?

1 John 1:9 ~ If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.