Am I the only one that feels super fake during church? In most worship services, I get so frustrated that I just want to leave. Sometimes, I stop singing and stand there, because I hate the vile taste of hypocrisy that the lyrics leave in my mouth.
Songs that claim the determination and loyalty of our sinful human selves make me sick. I can't bring myself to sing them- not yet. "You are my King, You are my King." That should be true. I know that. I want that. But is it that way? Not completely. I don't want to lie to myself, or to God by singing that.
I've been wrestling with this for quite some time now. The words I sing are as meaningless as if I wasn't singing them at all. "Here I am to worship, here I am to bow down, here I am to say that You're my God." How I wish I could sing that with 100% honesty... but as I sin those words I'm standing in the crowd either with my arms crossed, yawning during the choruses, glancing at the clock, wanting to leave.
"And I'll stand with arms high, and heart abandoned." Yeah, right. So far, I've been clinging on to my heart with all my strength. Though I sing the words, they couldn't be more false.
"Where You go, I'll go, Where You stay, I'll stay, When You move, I'll move, I will follow You, Who You love, I'll love, How You serve I'll serve, If this life I lose, I will follow You" I despise myself for singing those words, because I fail so often to actually do that. I wish it was true, but it isn't. Not yet.
The truth is, I try. I can't help but feel that the songs that make such claims... are dangerous, perhaps. I'm tentatively saying that, as this is a personal issue. This is why I would rather sing songs that talk all about Christ and what He's done, rather than our meager attempt to imitate Him. We are finite and fallible. He is infinite, and perfect. So, in my best opinion, we should be spending more time praising His name, instead of our own.
Someday, I want to take a trip all by myself out to a cabin in the wilderness. For a few days, I just want to reach a point where I can sing those words truthfully. I want to reach a point where I can be totally engulfed in the realm of worship, and fall to my knees before the Throne of Grace. I want it to be real. I want to really worship.
I don't want to sing these songs if my heart isn't right. I don't want to lie anymore. If my heart isn't right with God, then I won't sing. I will get myself right with God before I start making all those claims that I am destined to break.
And I hope I'm not lying.