It's a good thing God's grace is bigger than my head.
I seize control. I'm infamous for taking unreal amounts of responsibilities and dumping them on myself. I'm notorious for taking over projects and events and ideas and ambitions and then depriving myself of food and sleep for unhealthy amounts of times. I'm the one who, in the group project, will take over the workload and then later complain about everybody else's inaction.
If life is a theatrical production, then I'm the side character who thinks they're the director. We all know the one- the supporting role who cannot stop giving suggestions, ordering people around, fixing costumes, complaining to the other actors, and stressing backstage. I'm the walking nerve-ending.
The only problem is, in real life, I play it cool. My mind is the living nerve-ending; the live wire. However, on the outside, I'm chill. I'm the calm, collected gal who's got it together and needs no assistance. I've got it covered. No need for anyone to get involved. I'm a big girl and I can take care of myself.
Yeah. That's the image I give off. I don't say what's eating me- I don't tell people what's wrong. Because that's embarrassing. That's risky. Like I said, it's a good thing God's grace is bigger than my head.
He knows that I don't call for help, so He does it for me. He knows I don't ask for aid, so He does, instead. Even though I clamp my mouth shut and live every day like there's not a problem in the world... He gathers my support network without my consent, because He knows I wouldn't give it.
He keeps bringing people to my side that I would never dream of asking. He keeps sending people to talk to me, give me advice, offer to share a bit of the load, or just encourage me. It's always out of the blue, and of course, I'm always hesitant in the moment. I get nervous and reluctant... wanting to deny their offer and assure them there's nothing that I need. Help is something I never think I need, and definitely never want. But God knows me so much better than I know me.
That's why God keeps picking the persistent people. They don't take 'No' for an answer, and that's how I know they're being sent by God. And as we talk and work through issues together, I am humbled. More and more every day.
Every time I am forced to accept these random offers at the most unforeseen times, I'm reminded of my place. It's like my daily medicine from God- He opens my eyes and I see that I have, once again, edged my way into the director's seat, and pushed him out of a job. All these Godsends running to my side seem to have no reason to. They are usually separate from my situations, only loosely aware of my projects, oblivious to my circumstances, or have altogether no logical reason for wanting to get involved.
Man, we serve a crazy cool God.
Even in my mundane routines that get busier every day, He shows up. He picks the most unlikely people so that I will for sure take notice. He uses my confusion to show me that I'm not in charge. If I were, there would certainly be reason to panic.
He's still sending me people. Friends, acquaintances, strangers, and even frenemies. He's been using them to bring me back to reality, show me how ridiculous my plans are, and fight my growing anxiety.
People think I've got it covered. He's got it covered. People think I've got it under control. He's got it under control. People think I can handle it. But if they saw me hyperventilate, shut down in front of my closest friends, or cry myself to sleep... they would see the truth. The days that I wake up with passion and a sense of purpose... those are the days that God is rightfully directing. The days that I can go through without fear and without anxiety but with confidence... those are the days that I've resorted back to my place onstage, adhering to His instructions. Those are the days where I've relinquished control into His hands.
Those are the best days. Today wasn't one of those days, but maybe tomorrow will be.